Should a pastor marry cohabiting couples?
That is a pretty common question among ministers today! I think with such questions you need to begin by laying out biblical principles before you get to the specifics of the case. Every situation can seem unique!
First, living with someone who is not your spouse is sin. The biblical term is "fornication." Of course, the two ways to address it are either to separate from each other, or to get married. Ideally a couple such as this will first turn their lives over to Christ, and then submit themselves to Christ as a couple.
The second issue though is timing. If the couple's wedding is several months later, should they move out in the mean time? Generally, my advice would be yes. Of course there are unusual circumstances, such as a common law couple that has lived together for years and have children in the home. Nevertheless, another biblical principle is avoiding even the appearance of evil. I also believe that how you begin something has enormous consequences on how it continues. Even if it does involve inconvenience and extra expense, it is worth it to separate residences and to go in to their wedding day with lives that are honoring Christ. We cannot change how we lived in the past, but we can begin, today, to live in a way that honors Him.
This of course is not always convenient, but it can also be a great test to see whether people are serious about doing things God's way. Obedience is not based on convenience or affordability, but on committing to do whatever God commands. Our lives are to always give God glory. That can mean living apart before entering into a relationship in which God is our witness and upon which we want God's blessing.
These are the kinds of issues that are particularly difficult for ministers! Be sure to do everything in love with a heart for redemption. Just realize that you never help anyone by compromising God's standards.
Why do non-Christians seek to go through Christian rituals such as Baptism/Dedication for their children, or having a Christian wedding in a church when that’s the only time in their life they would step through the doors of the church? The answer is: even though they have no interest in submitting their lives to God and following His commands, they still want God’s blessing on their lives and they believe that if they begin their marriage or their childhood with a Christian ritualistic ceremony it will be all that is required to appease God and get His blessing. After all, there are plenty of alternatives to legalizing a marriage other than having it performed by a Christian pastor.
Our responsibility as a pastor is to enlighten seekers to the Truth and bring them to saving knowledge of Christ as God draws them in to our paths. But, to afford a non-Christian the privilege of a Christian ceremony such as marriage or baptism/dedication is an inappropriate representation before God and should be refused. Here’s the best example I can think of: Biblical baptism does not save anyone; but is instead a sacramental ritual displaying to those who witness it that the individual is already saved, has committed their lives to God, and is dedicated to keeping the commands of God for the rest of their lives. A Christian wedding is, in like manner, a biblical ceremony designed to be performed before God with both Christian partners committing to God, and to those who witness it, that they have dedicated themselves to living their lives, now together, according to God’s standards and to following His commands. If pastors perform this ceremony for anyone whom they are not completely convinced is truly committed to God, then they are blaspheming the name of God. After all, the pastor is God’s messenger and ambassador to the lost world; and, as God’s representative they cannot rightly give God’s blessing to anyone who does not meet God’s requirements for His blessing.
The focus of this question is all wrong. It should be focused on a person’s relationship to Christ rather than on a sinful situation. EVERYONE has sin in our lives (including you pastor). Most times sin is hidden from public sight; but, sometimes sin is painfully obvious to the public eye. Christians are not called to be judgmental about the sin we see in other people’s lives. We are called to share the Truth [Jesus Christ] with them and allow the conviction that comes through the Holy Spirit to affect their lives. According to John 16:5-11, the Holy Spirit is the Counselor given to the world by God to convince those who are blinded to the truth that there is a definite set of standards given by God to distinguish between right and wrong actions, that there is sin that is ultimately judged and punished by God, and that God calls us to live a righteous life before Him by choosing to follow His commands.
If the “cohabitating couple” are new Christians that God has drawn to Himself, the obvious sign of repentance by this couple is their desire to get married. As a pastor, we should be focused on helping them get married as soon as possible to bring them into the righteousness of God. The focus needs to stay on the resolution of completing the marriage and not on trying to separate the couple because “they are living in sin”. If the Holy Spirit convicts them to separate until the marriage is performed, great! But that’s not our responsibility as a pastor.
Here’s a follow-up question… When Christian couples have been married by a pastor who later in his life is found to be committing adultery and subsequently leaves his family and his profession to pursue worldly paths, are those Christian couples still rightly married before God? Or, should they seek to get ‘remarried’ by another pastor who is living a righteous life before God?
Love this BMI devotion… Daily Devotional for Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
“Judge Not”
Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37
There is a significant difference between judgment and discernment. God sees people’s hearts and knows their motives (Prov. 16:2). Only God can accurately judge those who deserve punishment. Ultimately, Christ will sit in judgment upon us all in the day of judgment (2 Cor. 5:10). Our problem is that we like to sit in the judgment seat and pronounce condemnation upon those whom we think have sinned! Scripture commands us not to judge or condemn others, for we cannot be judgmental and redemptive at the same time. It is difficult to pray sincerely for someone while we are judging them. At times our judgmental attitude can seem to provide us an excuse not to become involved in God’s redemptive work in someone’s life. Scripture reminds us that God will treat us with the same grace or severity with which we treat others (Luke 6:38).
God commands us not to judge others, but He does want us to be discerning. Jesus said we would know people’s spiritual condition by the fruit of their lives (Matt. 7:16). He said grapes are not produced by thorn bushes. If a person’s life produces thorns, we can assume that person is not a grapevine! Are we being judgmental? No, we are being discerning. Scripture commands us to avoid associating with scoffers or fools (Prov. 22:10; 17:12). Unless we are able to identify scoffers and fools, we cannot obey God’s command. That is not being judgmental, it is being discerning. As Christians, we have been instructed to observe the lives of others so that we can help them while avoiding any sinful influence.
You will be helpful to others only if you see them as God does. If you have been judgmental of others, ask forgiveness and pledge yourself to let God use you as His minister of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18).
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other. ~ I Corinthians 7:4
Let’s be honest. The “till death do us part” of the marriage vow rings increasingly ironic.
We’ve all heard the startling statistics saying fifty-percent or more of today’s marriages will not survive. What we know for sure is that 200,000 new marriages each year end prior to the couples’ second anniversary.
The numbers can be massaged and debated, but most marriage experts agree that divorce is chipping steadily away at traditional values in our society. For too many of today’s new couples, marriage has become “till divorce do us part.”
Equally startling as the predictions and statistics, however, is the fact that less than a fifth of all marriages in America are preceded by some kind of formal marriage preparation.
Did you catch that?
Only 5 couples out of 100 get pre-marriage education or counseling.
And since three out of four U.S. marriages are blessed by a member of the clergy, columnist Michael McManus has long been calling churches “blessing machines.” He makes a good point.
Dan, that question has been raised before. Such as when someone becomes a Christian through a television evangelist and then later that evangelist is exposed for immorality. Of course, anything that occurs in your life spiritually will come from the Holy Spirit’s work and not a minister’s. Therefore, regardless of what later happens or is exposed in the minister: the work of the Holy Spirit stands. Because it was God who worked, the work does not need to be redone.
I fully agree, Richard. My follow-up question was actually intended as rhetorical. Your statement that ‘it is God who does the work’ is a very good summaritive response for the original question. We as pastors sometimes forget that God is the one who works and leads through the Holy Spirit and we are His servants. Our direction comes solely from God. And the Holy Spirit, if we choose to seek and follow His guidance, will confirm God’s working in all that we do.
I would think our responsibility is more to help the people do the right thing than it is to lay unnecessary burdens on them that may actually prevent them from getting married. If we require them to separate before getting married, then they may choose rather to go to the JP and forget church altogether. They will most likely not be mature enough to handle such a decision, so we need to help them do the right thing one step at a time. The other option not mentioned is to have them commit to abstain from sexual activity prior to the ceremony as an act of good faith towards God which is the intention of separation anyway. They may separate to different places “to avoid the appearance of evil” but still sleep together. Should we also require them to tithe, get involved in a Bible study, attend services regularly before we marry them so they look good on the outside in other areas too? How far do we go in “outside appearances” before we legitimize their relationship with a marriage certificate? I have performed ceremonies for two couples who were living together, and they are doing fine after many years. Others who were living together, had far many other issues to deal with (i.e. not yet divorced, not saved, no idea what a Christian marriage was) that ended with them separating permanently or having them find another clergyman who did not ask so many questions.
Godly Marriage –
“Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.” ~ Malachi 2:15
Our culture is so perversely enthralled with the union of ungodly and unnatural relationships that we, Christians, are even being distracted by the extremists who want us to bless any coupling the wicked mind can conceive.
But what is God seeking? Godly offspring! — Godly offspring ONLY come from the faithful MAN and WIFE who are “portioned with the Spirit in their union”. In other words, a Christian man joined in marriage with a Christian woman; and, BOTH committed to living a Christ-pleasing life enabled by the Holy Spirit. ANY and EVERY other union falls short of God’s plan and short of God’s blessing.
Jesus said, “For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day when Noah entered the ark, and they were unaware until the flood came and swept them all away, so will be the coming of the Son of Man” ~ Matthew 24:38-39